Eff You, Drug Companies

I very rarely swear when I post things on line. This post is going to be one of those rare times when I'm pissed and frustrated enough to ignore my usual not saying anything I wouldn't say to my grandparents rule (that said, I probably would swear if I were talking about this to my grandparents... So I guess I'm not breaking the rule...).

Fuck you, drug companies. Just.... Fuck you.

Let me explain.

I don't know the details, but drug companies right now are screwing patients and not making a lot of meds.

This means that Adderall is on back order.

This morning, I took my last dose of my current Adderall prescription. I'm supposed to take two capsules in the morning and one capsule in the afternoon as needed. I won't be taking my afternoon dose today (which sucks 'cause Tuesdays are one of the days I normally DO need it...).

I went to CVS last night, knowing that I only had enough meds for the morning.

"Sorry, it's backordered. We don't have ANY of your dosage."

I'm signed up for the mall trip this evening, so I called the drug store in the mall just now. They have absolutely none as well.

I just called the only other easily accessible pharmacy. They have 12 generic pills (so, 4 days if I take it as prescribed. 6 if I don't take my afternoon dose.) and 66 brand name.

My prescription is for 90 pills. Normally, my insurance is only cool with 68 pills in a vial. Last time I filled this prescription, I wound up with 68 pills. Since I don't take the afternoon dose every day, it's not the end of the world, especially since a lot of weekends I wind up only taking the afternoon dose.

And insurance only covers generic. They cover my brand name anti depressants, but only 'cause the generic hasn't come out yet. I have to call them and beg to cover the brand name this one time 'cause that's all I can get.

And if they won't cover it... Well, let's just say Adderall doesn't come cheap.

Let's imagine a world where I can't take my Adderall, just for a minute.

I will continue to function, yes. My inability to function comes when I don't take the Lexapro (anti depressant), not not taking the Adderall.

When I don't take the Adderall, I function like a 5 year old. That's when I'm not a three year old. Which is still better than a two year old.

With even the smallest bit of stimulation, I may as well be drunk without Adderall. When I say I act like a little kid, I mean a little kid in a candy store with grandparents in Disney World. We're talking wired, psycho, hyperstimulated, the highest energy you can imagine.

I'm also fearless.

This doesn't happen every time I don't take my meds. Normally, I just get more obnoxious, lose a lot of inhibitions, don't recognize limits, and whatever ability I have to recognize social cues goes down the drain.

Until I'm stimulated. Stimulated might just mean chilling out with someone when something strikes me as particularly funny. Something about the laughter pushes me into psycho fun mode.

Last time that happened, I ran up and down the hall of the dorm I was hanging out in asking everyone how they felt about penises. One of the first people I asked gave me a thumbs up. After that it was all, "do you think penises are thumbs up?????"

Apparently most people do, although they tend to add in that it kind of depends on the bearer of the penis as well. I thought that was very fair.

And I hadn't even drunk anything.

Yes, I successfully completed 6 and a half years of school unmedicated. I didn't start taking Adderall till the very end of 7th grade.

But when you're 12 or younger and you occasionally act like a toddler or preschooler when you're seriously wound up, it's not a big deal. Your parents just spend a lot of time debating if they should have you tested for ADD.

When you're coming up on 20 and you're in college and people expect you to have social skills and the ability to behave like an adult at least some of the time and you sort of have that ability, but you also know it can disappear at any time, you're screwed without your meds.

Yes, I have tricks up my sleeve for surviving meds-less. But my tricks are mostly relevant to weekends or when my meds have worn off.

I don't think I've gone to a morning class unmedicated since about 10th grade. I've known in afternoon classes I wasn't medicated because it had worn off, but I HAVE to have my meds for class.

Not because I can't concentrate. As long as there's even a little bit of structure I can concentrate.

And not because I get distracted. At least not exactly.

When I'm functioning normally unmedicated, there are two really really big signals that I'm unmedicated.

My handwriting and my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

Successful people with undiagnosed ADD tend to have some level of OCD or at least OC tendencies (my psychiatrist says it's only a disorder if it interferes with your life... I like to say I have OCT). When you have a disorder that often makes you disorganized, you probably have some coping mechanisms that look like OCD.

And plenty of people with diagnosed ADD have things like that too. My brother and I (or is it me?) being wonderful examples.

I like things to be aesthetic and I like formats. All of my notes for any given class are always in the same format. If I type my notes, I'll make a template in my word processor so it's all set up for me every class. When that gets messed up, I will sit and fix it. Until it's fixed.

When I get a hand out in class, I write my name and the date at the top of the page. I always do this in pencil. I prefer the look of pen, but you can't do what I do in pen. If it doesn't look the way I want, I will erase it and write it again. And again. And again. And again. Until it looks how I want. By now the teacher has moved on to whatever we're actually doing and I've missed it.

I'm getting better about doing this medicated (I used to always do it. Now I focus really hard on not doing it). But medless is a whole different story.

And then there's my handwriting. Normally, I have pretty decent hand writing. It's usually legible, neat, sometimes even pretty. This is good since I like things to be aesthetic.

Without my meds, it's a huge struggle. I have trouble actually physically writing by hand, and once the letters are on the page they are atrocious. It looks like a little kid who's just learning how to write wrote them.

And remember the OCT, so the need for everything to be aesthetic is worse and the ability to actually make it aesthetic is virtually non existant.

It can be all but pointless for me to go to class unmedicated because I can't follow the class, not because I can't concentrate but because my desire for perfect notes gets in the way of actually taking notes.

I imagine I'm not the only one who has serious trouble actually functioning in adult life without meds. Some people have trouble functioning in social settings too, not just work or academic. When people can overlook how obnoxious I can be and forgive my inability to read social cues, I'm fine socially, although people sometimes think I'm drunk.

But until drug companies get their act together, I am FUCKED. And this is just brain shit. From what I understand, drug companies are also not making things like cancer meds. My brothers both have Lyme and they wound up having to change antibiotics when they only had like a week left on their regimin because they couldn't get the one they were taking.

So, to drug companies I say this:

I'm so glad that your money and proving America can't function without you is more important to you than letting Americans like me actually function. Yes, we need you. Yes, when all the companies get together like right now you have a monopoly (which is illegal. I think. It's called the anti trust laws. It means a bunch of companies can't get together and have a virtual monopoly.). Yes, you have a shitton of power. THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD USE IT.

Have some common decency. Realize that there are college kids out there who are facing the very real possibility of the last two weeks of classes WITHOUT MEDS and then finals WITHOUT MEDS. Realize that there are people with life threatening conditions who will get better if you MAKE THEIR DRUG. If they die, IT'S ON YOU. If I get absolutely nothing out of my classes for the next two weeks and fail my finals, IT'S ALSO ON YOU.

Make the fucking meds. It's not that hard. Yes, I'm being selfish. Yes, I'm blaming everything on you. Yes, I'm ignoring the other shit in my life that could make me fail my classes. But you know what? If I'd had a perfect semester and rest of the semester looked golden, I'd STILL suddenly be terrified that I wouldn't be able to pass without my meds.

The last time I went to school unmedicated regularly was in 7th grade. You know what my teachers always said about me in middle school? "Wendy is really great when she puts in the effort, but she has trouble completing and turning in her homework and staying on task in class." I don't remember EVER finishing a class in elementary or middle school and NOT having make up work at the end of the year. Until I went on Adderall.

Between the ADD diagnosis and the depression diagnosis, my academic problems WENT AWAY. What does that tell you?

It says I need Adderall to be able to be successful in school. When I'm not having other issues and am on Adderall, LIFE IS PEACHY.

So yeah, I've been having other issues lately. But you know what that means we SHOULDN'T do??? TAKE ME OFF THE FUCKING ADDERALL.

Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I count on my Adderall. I have ever since I started taking it. Now, it's my foundation when I start dealing with other shit. If you take it away, EVERYTHING ELSE I'M TRYING TO DEAL WITH WILL FALL OVER.

Give me my fucking Adderall. Make the shit. Stop being stupid.

In short, FUCK YOU DRUG COMPANIES.

UPDATE 12/2/11: I lucked out in that we had changed my dosage pretty soon after I'd filled a new prescription, so I had some of my old dosage lying around, so I managed to not be unmedicated (and actually I hadn't noticed a change when I first started the new dosage... Going back to the old one and I did notice, so it kind of could have been a good thing. Ish.) for the last few days, but I got frustrated yesterday with not being able to work out how to deal with the insurance and started calling pharmacies that weren't within walking distance or I didn't know where they were. And I found a Rite Aid that had it (and they had enough and they had generic. Wheeeee!!!)!!!!!!! So I called my mother's wonderful wonderful friend who lives really close to my school and told her that I needed to go to this pharmacy but I had no clue where it was or how to get there or if it was even in walking distance and could she pretty please drive me? And she was happy to.

So at least for this month, I have meds.

'Course, I still have a problem with insurance in that they don't like to cover more than 68 pills per vial (isn't that a really random number?) and my prescription is for 90 (two in the morning, one at noonish for 30 days...), so I can only get 22 days worth (but that's assuming I take the full three every day. I tend to only take the noon dose on weekends and only the morning dose on Mondays and Fridays... Which is 15 pills per week rather than 21. Which means one vial can last more than a month... Actually, assuming you only have 4 Saturdays and 4 Sundays in a month, 68 pills actually lets me take the morning dose every day and the noon dose every week day.... But since I don't do that, it can last me longer...). Anyway, I can have my doctor arrange something with the insurance so I can get my full script, but I haven't dealt with that yet.... Although I wish I had because I would like as much time as possible between now and the next time I have to go crazy trying to find the stupid things.....

But I still am happy 'cause I have my meds again. Yay!

Pemberley Shoes

The American Duchess has a new shoe and I LOVE them. I'd totally wear them for modern... Unfortunately, I don't do Regency and practically everyone in my life has this funny belief that I don't need anymore shoes, so no way can I convince my mother that I should get these...

Fortunately, Lauren, of the American Duchess, is doing a giveaway. So I'm posting about these fantastic shoes in hopes of winning them :)

About the Prize:
The "Pemberley" Regency shoes are closely based on extant footwear from the 1790s through 1810. The smooth, dyable, hand-sewn leather upper is designed to be lovely enough formal occasions, and durable enough for walking in the countryside. Particular attention was paid to the point of the toe, as well as the other hallmarks of Regency historical footwear, with the main goals being both historical accuracy and all-day comfort.

A Letter to Bryn Mawr about their spam filter

Dear Bryn Mawr,

I think it's great you have such a strict spam filter. I know the Nigerian princes are disappointed that they can't get in touch with me, but I get too much email as it is and I don't need all the warnings about my inbox being full.

That said, it'd probably be best if the emails from the Student Health Division about enrolling in the mandatory health insurance DIDN'T get stopped by the filter. When those get stopped, it means I don't see them for a week... Yes, I saw it well before the deadline, but it was still worrying.

It was also worrying because the text in the email was a little weird (lots of ? in random places, as though it had been fed through a bad translator...) and it didn't come from a Bryn Mawr email address.

Let's just say I was very careful to go to the Bryn Mawr Health Center page by typing in my browser, not the link in the email....

I get that we have had some problems with email scams and things and I could tell when you strengthened the spam filter. But emails from school should get through the filter....

Sincerely,
Wendy

Pretty 18th Century Shoes

So this blog I read, the American Duchess, also has a small shop. And gets these FANTASTIC shoes. So, reenactors, check it out!

The Devonshires are a leather 18th century shoe based on museum examples from the 1760s through 1780s. They're made of top-grade dyable leather, with a beautiful, smooth Italian leather sole for dancing, and are hard-wearing, water- and mud-proof, for even the toughest of outdoor re-enactments.

Pre-Order the Devonshires through August 10, and get the special $100 price. We're only making 200 of these shoes, so don't miss the chance to own one of only a couple hundred pair on the planet! Visit www.american-duchess.com to order.

Aaaand keep your eyes peeled. I got the splint taken out of my mouth yesterday and there'll be a 4 weeks out from surgery post coming soon. It'll involve chewing (yay!!!!!!).

All Liquid Diets

So my surgery was 12 days ago. Post op tomorrow morning. Swelling's almost entirely gone. There's a splint on the roof of my mouth that's driving me CRAZY. Starting a few days after I got home from the hospital it started scraping up my tongue something fierce. It was awful. Now it's just a way of reminding me that it'll be another two weeks before I can start cheating on my all liquid diet the way I want to.

See, this this is like a retainer in the sense that it's a hunk of plastic molded to fit my teeth and palate. It covers the roof of my mouth and then wraps around my teeth and hooks onto my braces. I have no idea exactly how it's staying in because, of course, I was unconscious when they put it in, but I know I can't remove it. And since when I say wrapping I mean it covers my teeth, eating is a no go. I mean, I'm not supposed to anyway, but if I tried it wouldn't work.

And I have elastics hooking my upper and lower braces together. Unfortunately, this means my all liquid thing does not include ice cream. Or mashed potatoes, which is what I lived on last time I was on an all liquid diet....

I'm praying that tomorrow my lovely surgeon will tell me that I can stop wearing the elastics and can start using straws again. That will make my life 84423897483275x easier. Exactly that many times easier, in fact. Really.

Anyhoo, so here's my thing on this all liquid crap:

Ensure leaves an icky residue in your mouth. When you have elastics 24/7, that means your mouth is seriously gross. This is why I've told my parents I will not be drinking the Ensure, no matter how much ice cream it is blended with, until I've been given leave to remove my elastics more often. It's just too gross.

Also, my mother has been at knitting camp for the last week. That's basically a conference for knitters. Anyway, apparently one of the camper's kids had this same surgery and whatever the camper made for the family she through in the blender for the kid. Which is specifically what I told my mother years ago I would refuse to do right now.

If you ask me, that is the most inconsiderate thing you can do for someone who is recovering from surgery (well, aside from saying things about their swelling...).

Here's the thing: I am 19 years old. It is summer vacation. When you think of college freshmen on summer vacation, you think of all kinds of excitement and fun things. But instead, I am recuperating. I am going to bed early. I am taking lots of naps. I am not driving. In other words, I am missing out on an awful lot right now. Seriously, you know where I was last Thursday night while practically EVERYONE I KNOW (including my boyfriend and THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BROTHER) was at the Harry Potter midnight showing? Asleep. I didn't get to go. I cannot tell you how crappy that was.

I'm missing out on so much crap and I can't eat ANYTHING I want. And people want me to eat whatever they're eating, in mush form. A) that's disgusting. B) that's not fair. If I'm missing out on everything else in the world, it's not fair to ask me to eat something that doesn't actually resemble anything edible.

That said, I've lost 14lbs so far. 'Course, my diet may change dramatically tomorrow since stopping wearing the elastics will greatly alter what I'm willing/able to consume.

Who knew you could lose weight on Pepsi and egg drop soup?

PS It's totally possible to slurp whipped cream off the top of a milkshake.

Almost there....

I keep coming up with great post ideas. But almost always while I'm out driving around. And then I forget when I get home.

For now we'll just leave it at how today is Tuesday. My surgery is Friday.

My grandma sent me a stuffed crocodile, who I've named Monster. He's adorable. She also sent a really cute card. And my mother avoided all my questions, so I think she's making me a blanket to bring with me on Friday (well, when I asked the first time if she was going to, before she started/bought the fabric, she was all "do you want me to?").

I'll be in the hospital Friday and Saturday nights, possibly Sunday night as well.

Peeps who wanna come see me/send me more things like Monster should talk to my parents to find out where/when.

Wish me luck!!

PS At my pre-op last week I discovered there are about 8 different unpronounceable ways for your nose to bleed... I had to sign all the consent forms and apparently my nose might bleed.

And apparently there are going to be incisions in my mouth, which means no straws. Which sucks 'cause it's going to be an all liquid diet for quite some time. That's seriously not fair....

Two months from today

This is another post about teeth and surgery. I'm going to be explaining exactly what my surgeon will do, so if you're squeamish, skip it.

I can't sleep, which means I still think it's Sunday, May 8th (Happy Mother's Day!). So I'm thinking about what I'm going to be doing two months from today, on July 8th.

I'm going to be going to the hospital where my wonderful surgeon is going to make my orthodontist like my teeth for the first time in my life.

You know what I said when I met my surgeon the first time? I think I was in middle school and the surgeon asked me if I knew why I was there. I very cleverly told him, "Dr. H doesn't like my teeth."

I previously explained that I have an under bite where basically the space my lower teeth wrap around is bigger than my upper teeth (like, my teeth are in concentric bite shaped circles...). Like I said, originally it wasn't so obvious from the front, it was more like my lower jaw was just wider, but with my braces they pulled my lower teeth forward, so it's under bite all the way around.

So my surgery is in two months.

I've gone back and forth about a gajillion times whether I want to be wired shut for six weeks or have plates and screws. There's a tiny risk of nerve damage with the latter, and no risk of nerve damage for the former. With the latter, I'll know as soon as I wake up from the anesthesia whether the surgery was successful. With the former, I won't know till they unwire me.

But that's not what I'm using to make this decision.

The last time I saw the surgeon, he reminded me and my parents of our choices. As we were leaving the hospital, we were discussing it. My parents both agreed that they wouldn't be able to deal with being wired shut for six weeks, they'd feel claustrophobic in their own heads.

Suddenly, two thoughts came to my mind.

Thought #1: I love to ski. I haven't actually skied since 8th grade because I got busy in high school, but I was really good in middle school. At one point in maybe 6th grade, I decided to try snow boarding.

It completely freaked me out. I had both feet attached to the same thing. I couldn't handle it.

In the car, I suddenly realized it might be like that, only my head instead of my feet. My head's a lot more important than my feet. It'd be talking instead of walking that I wouldn't be able to do properly. Not a pleasant thought.

Thought #2: At some point when I was little, I would imagine anywhere between ages 5 and 8, my father read The Three Musketeers and The Man in the Iron Mask to us. After this, we rented the movies. I don't remember anything about The Three Musketeers movie, which makes me think I might be imagining having rented it, but I do remember some scenes from The Man in the Iron Mask very very vividly.

Mainly, I remember the last scene. The king, who turned out to actually be the younger twin and therefore not the legitimate king, has been put in the iron mask he previously made his brother wear because he is evil and knew his brother had the more legitimate claim and was afraid someone would find out. You just see him thrashing around this room that he's clearly locked into. There's been this decree that no one is to speak to him or be spoken to by him or anything for the rest of his life and he gets his food through a little cat flap on the door and he has this iron thing on his head. It looks like a knight's helmet.

Except he can't take it off. He's completely trapped inside it and when you throw in that he's trapped in this room completely alone until he dies with no human contact whatsoever, you have to imagine that he's going to wind up trapped inside his head and going crazy.

I don't know why I watched this movie when I was little. My parents were pretty good about making sure the things we watched were age appropriate, and to be fair, it's not like this movie ever gave me nightmares.

But I think that's because it never occurred to me that there could be any kind of equivalent in my own life.

Driving out of that parking garage listening to my parents talk about being claustrophobic in their own heads, I realized I would feel like I was reenacting that last scene for the whole 6 weeks.

Hell no, I thought to myself. I'm getting plates and screws.

So, with the method decided on, the next step is the actually surgery.

This is the part you don't want to read if you're squeamish about surgery.

Basically, the goal is to widen my upper jaw and bring my lower jaw back and to the side slightly (because as if my face isn't screwed up enough, it's crooked... I'm kidding. From the outside, my face is fine. Although I can tell my lower jaw is crooked, and I can see how it's made the rest of my face slightly crooked. Moving on.).

To do this, they're basically going to slit my upper palette and put in a permanent palette expander. BTW no matter what I had decided about plates and screws or wires, I would have wound up with plates and screws on the top.

Then they're going to cut into my lower jaw. I'm not exactly sure where. I know one of the cuts is going to go through the very back lower right of my mouth because that's where the wisdom tooth they had to take out for the surgery was. Other than that, I just know they're gonna cut into my bones and pull my jaw back and to the side.

Then they put a bunch of metal in and screw it all together.

And voilá. Perfect teeth.

Then I spend two nights or so in the hospital. Which honestly is making me somewhat nervous.

I've never spent a single night in the hospital. When I got my wisdom teeth out is the first time I've gone to a hospital for something more than a consult or getting blood work done, unless you count when I was born, which I don't.

And of course, I'm 19 which means I'm not a kid. Maybe it sounds childish, but I'm praying they'll let me have my parents there when they knock me out and wake me up. I mean, they're doing stuff with my mouth and teeth and jaw. Considering my extreme lack of hospital experience, I think I deserve my parents there....

PS I'm just gonna point out that I have an older sister who broke her leg at 18 months, and two brothers who have each gotten stitches and various other bloody things that got taken care of in the emergency room.

They all had parents around for their hospital treatment!! Well, except for the times when they were staying with friends or on biking trips or whatever. But they still had someone with them for all this stuff....