A letter to Lieutenant Joe Cable

Dear Joe,

You've got a great voice. Really, it's lovely. I've got one problem with it though.

The young romantic lead is supposed to be a tenor. Not a baritone. Not a bass. A tenor. When there's multiple male leads, you should be able to tell them apart by their range. Look at virtually every show on the planet, the romantic lead is a tenor. When there's more than one romantic lead, like you and Emil in South Pacific, the young one is a tenor and the old one is a baritone or bass. When there's multiple leads and some are romantic and some aren't, the romantic one is the tenor. Don't ask me why. It's just true. Look at Phantom of the Opera, multiple romantic male leads, like South Pacific. Raoul, the young guy, is a tenor. The Phantom, the old (well, older) guy is a baritone (ok, not so great example 'cause a lot of guys can play both. But the parts are written so Raoul pretty much always sings a bit higher....). Look at Les Mis. Three male leads, Marius, the romantic guy, is a tenor. Javert and Valjean are a) older and b) not romantic, they've got epically awesome baritone-y bass-y parts (since I've never actually had to worry about the difference between a bass and a baritone, being neither, I'm not really clear on what defines the two.... I just know a baritone doesn't go as low... I'm inclined to think it's like the difference between a mezzo and a soprano, but I have no idea....).

You're a young romantic dude. That means you don't get to sing low. I'm sorry. I know it's disappointing. But it's true. I know lower is cooler. Don't get me wrong, you sound awesome. You're the only young romantic male lead I've ever even remotely crushed on (I tend to be indifferent to tenors.... That is when I don't actively dislike them... I'm a sucker for a bass. I mean, Some Enchanted Evening? I'm in heaven. Virtually everything Javert sings? Awesome. But I totally zone out during everything Marius sings....). But you have no business singing so low. I used to never be able to remember if you or Emil sings Younger Than Springtime 'cause you sing it so damn low!!!!

Unfortunately, South Pacific is one of the shows that I've never seen on stage and I don't think I've ever even heard the recording of the stage version (apparently the whole world likes Mitzi Gaynor better than Mary Martin...), so I have no idea if this is your fault or Rodgers and Hammerstein's. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's either their fault or the idiot people casting in the '50s when all the R&H were filmed, since I seem to recall Lunta in the King and I being epically low as well (and also being pretty epic sounding in his lowness...). On the other hand, the Sound of Music gets it right. The Captain is on the lower end and whats-his-face (the one who winds up being a Nazi and has the hots for Liesel. Or is it Liesl?) being annoyingly high in that tenor-like way.

So I'm thinking it's the fault of whoever made the R&H movies about Asians, or at least who ever dealt with who sang what.

Or R&H just randomly decided in two of their shows they'd make the guys who really OUGHT to be tenors be baritones/basses.

Alright. I'm sorry. It was unfair of me to blame you. But you are an easy target. Remember, I'd totally avoid you if you sang higher..........

Sincerely, Wendy

Alright, Light....

Look, Light.

We've been living together since August. I know for the first few months I didn't notice your noise, but is getting louder really necessary?

I already threatened you. What more can I do?

All you have to do is not drive me crazy for another five days. It shouldn't be that hard.

I'm begging you. You give me such a head ache.

Did you always do that, or did you only start when the boyfriend came to visit in November?

I never noticed until he pointed it out. Did you decide you didn't like having visitors and start yelling at us or something?

Because, if that was true, we had a guest in September. So seriously? What did you have against Dom?

I'm begging you. I'm studying. I like bright lights when they don't DRIVE ME INSANE.

Please just shut up.

You don't bother Karuna, so sing and dance and have your little party up there all you like.

JUST WAIT TILL I LEAVE.

Ok. Thanks.

An Open Letter to the Weather Gods

Dear Weather Gods,

Remember how nice it was last week? You were spectacular. Especially on Friday. That nice, warm, sunny, beautiful weather was fantastic.

I'd really love to keep going with the springy/summery weather. I love it. It's really great.

I thought you were just being temperamental at first. I mean, it wasn't particularly cold over the weekend, it just wasn't warm. But then this week came.

Yeah, ok, so it was reasonably nice ish most of the day on Tuesday, but it wasn't warm.

But Wednesday? That sucked.

And I just checked the weather for today (or is it tomorrow? It's 2AM Wednesday night/Thursday morning... I don't know what day it is anymore....). Chance of snow in the morning.

Screw you, Weather Gods.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a New England girl. I know I had a snow day on April 4th in middle school once.

But I'm not in New England right now.

I can handle snow in March in New England. But this is Pennsylvania for goodness sake. At the end of March.

You gotta make up your mind. Either be spring and I'll pack up my winter gear and mail it to my mother or stay as winter and I'll just be grouchy.

Please stop changing your mind every week.

And if you're trying to decide which way to go, it'd be great if you kept in mind just how much I loooovvvee nice warm springy weather.

Sincerely,
Wendy

UPDATE: There's frost on the ground. I don't think I'm on speaking terms with the Weather Gods right now.

OY FREAKING VEY HULU

Dear Hulu,

The reason you have an ad tailor is so people don't get pissed at seeing the same ad over and over.

So how many times do I have to tell you that ads for Geico or All State are not relevant to me???

Not only am I not interested in buying any type of auto insurance (or motorcycle, RV, or any other insurance for something with wheels...), I also have no intention to buy a Robot Roomba or any type of dog food. Similarly, I have a cell phone and have no current plans for a new phone or ditching AT&T.

I'd really really appreciate not showing ads for things I've already clicked "not relevant" for.

The only ads you ever show me that ARE relevant are the ones for JC Penney. 'Course, I still click not relevant for those because I just want to not see the same ads over and over.

I'm going to tell you that no ads are relevant to me because I don't buy things based on ads. If I see an ad multiple times, it'll just annoy me. So I say nothing's relevant. Please show me new ads.

And seriously, I hate the old guy in the Geico ad. He drives me crazy. While I agree the music that comes up with the disco ball in the one with the "technical difficulties" is catchy, the line "let's keep rolling" is really not necessary. And the one with the gecko T-shirts and water bottles and things? The guy is freaking clueless.

Clearly, I've seen the Geico ads too much. Don't even get me started on the "did the little piggy cry whee whee whee all the way home?" ("wheeeeeeeeeeeee! wheeee wheeeee wheeeee wheeeeeeeeeee!") one. That may be the most annoying ad I have EVER seen.

And the only plus side to the All State ads is that the guy who plays Mayhem is the guy who played Cassedy on the first season of Law and Order SVU. And I loved that guy. I pity his career, but he's kind of gorgeous.

Anyway, my point is STOP SHOWING THE SAME ADS OVER AND OVER. I clicked not relevant 'cause a) they're not relevant and b) I want new ads!!!!!

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Wendy

PS The lady in I forget which dog food (Purina diet weight loss something or other maybe?) ad whose dog's name is Winky (or something like that) drives me crazy. She's an idiot. She goes on and on about how convenient prepackaged food is, since you don't have to measure anything or whatever. Dude. That's the point of prepackaged food. Get over it. That has nothing to do with Purina. That has to do with food companies (human and pet, in fact...) all over the world who understand how lazy people are.

An Open Letter to my Light

Dear Light,

I understand that you are very excited when you are turned on, but the singing has got to stop.

I'm sure you've noticed that I've been replacing you lately by opening my shades and using my lamps. It makes me feel more green, but it's a lot less convenient.

It's ok at first. I walk into the room and flip the switch and then go to work.

But then it starts. At first I don't notice it. But then it gets louder.

And louder.

Sometimes I think it has stopped but then you decide it's time for an encore.

Please stop with the singing. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I would appreciate silence when I'm working. I play music or whatever, but that your music isn't quite what I'm looking for.

If you can't try to stop the singing, I'm going to stop bothering to turn you on for long periods of time. You're only going to get turned on for long enough for me to get other lights going.

Consider yourself warned.

Sincerely, Wendy

PS Don't go crying to your other owner about this. I know your singing doesn't bother her, but she understands it bothers me. She might keep using you, but she doesn't mind when I switch to lamps and turn you off, so it won't make a difference if you complain.

An Open Letter to Southwest

Dear Southwest

Ever since Fall Break, I have been faithful to you. I fell in love with you over the ease of getting to your flights and the free checking.

I admit, at first I was little fearful of the open seating, but now I've even embraced it. I like it now. I can sit down wherever I feel like. It's lovely.

But now, right when I'm counting on you, you cancel on me. At the last minute. I was all dressed and ready to go and you TEXT me to say sorry can't make it?

Not cool, Southwest. NOT COOL.

I'll stay a loyal flier, because really what choice do I have? But I don't trust you anymore. You don't even give a reason. And the weather is lovely, so there are no reasons obvious to me.

Consider yourself warned, Southwest.

Sincerely,
Wendy

UPDATE: What now, Southwest? My daddy got me on a US Airways flight. So there. I'm going home IN SPITE OF YOU.